What Else God Wants

God wants Mark Sanford to remain Governor of South Carolina, according to noted prophet Mark Sanford:

In a written message to supporters Monday, Mark Sanford asserted that God’s plan for him includes finishing his term as South Carolina governor.

Sanford is facing calls for his resignation after disappearing to Argentina then returning last week to admit an affair.

“Immediately after all this unfolded last week I had thought I would resign – as I believe in the military model of leadership and when trust of any form is broken one lays down the sword,” Sanford wrote in the message, which he posted on his personal website http://www.governorsanford.com and Facebook page, and broadcast via Twitter.

“A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise – that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride.”

In that case, here's what else I KNOW that the Almighty wants.  And I want to be perfectly clear that you will all be considered to be living in mortal sin until these demands are met:

• For me to get an Hermès Birkin bag.  Preferably in violet croc, but God will forgive you if you can only get black.


• For all law school exams to immediately be changed into multiple-choice and open-book format.  God says that issue-spotting essay questions are an abomination in His sight.


• For me to get Manolo Blahnik black patent leather Mary Janes.  What?  God says I so totally need shoes to go with the bag.


• For Phil Bredesen to go on a wild trip to Argentina a la Sanford.  God says he needs to loosen up.


• For me to get one of the Valentino Rose handbags.  God says that carrying the Birkin bag everyday would just make me look like a label-whore.


• For the Tennessee Titans to win the Super Bowl and for the Nashville Predators to win the Stanley Cup.  The Pittsburgh Steelers and Detroit Red Wings have sinned and will be judged.  Also, God wants Chris Johnson to shut the hell up and stop looking to T.O. and Ocho-Cinco as his role models.


• For Stacey Campfield to stop making T.O. and Ocho-Cinco look like coherent and intellectual thinkers.


• For me to get a Bentley Continental GT.  Black, tan seats.  Hot bag + hot shoes = need for hot car.


• For all of our gay brethren, quite a few of whom recognize the value of hot bags and hot shoes, to receive equal rights.  And for Obama to be more out in front on that issue.


• For us to stop blowing up the mountaintops for coal, since they are after all His creation.


• For me to get a summer house in the North Carolina mountains, when they're not being blown up for coal.


• For me to just get a freaking job in two years.