Applying Nashville Scene Logic

Read this, then read on.

Let's say I decide to run for local office one day. Obviously, if I run, I'm going to need money. Odds are I won't be able to self-finance, and I couldn't expect my parents to shoulder such a burden. Therefore, I'll have to go out and actively raise money.

Who shall I turn to first, while still in the planning stages of my hypothetical campaign? The obvious answer is that I'll start with the people who know me best, the ones I grew up around--friends of family, people in my neighborhood, etc.

But then looking at my list of early donors, you'll find a pattern. There will be quite a few Jewish doctors on that list.

Therefore, since I have taken donations from these people, it will safe to assume that I am obviously in the pocket of Big Pharma, trying to suppress patients' rights and impose tort reform on lawyers. Even worse though, I'm in the pocket of AIPAC and the Israel lobby, devoted to a neo-conservative world outlook.

No matter what I actually think of those issues, I am obviously lying.

So if I were to run in a local election, I could not call myself a progressive candidate unless I were to throw almost everyone I know under the bus. I'd have to find myself a whole bunch of new friends, fast.

Either that or run as a Republican.